Everytime I Fall
by CJtheCregg
Summary: Jondy's had enough. Zack doesn't understand her, and he hasn't for a long long time. Rated for adult issues.


Everytime I Fall  
  
By Jacey  
  
A/N and Disclaimer: The song 'Everytime' is sung by Britney Spears. I would like to take this opportunity to say that I'm not actually a Britney fan. I never have been – but I did like the song Toxic, and I just heard this song for the first time the other day,w hile watching video hits. If you've seen the video clip, you'll notice that this fic has a similar theme – I did however NOT steal the idea from her video.  
  
I also don't own DA.  
  
That said, ladies and gentlemen – Jacey is back. :D – And I'd recommend listening to 'Everytime' while reading this.  
  
--- Notice me, take my hand Why are we strangers when Our love is strong Why carry on without me ---  
  
She sat huddled up in the bottom of the shower, wiping the tears off her face, as water poured down over her.  
  
The quickly cooling water mingled with her salty tears, as she pulled her knees up to her chest, and slumped the rest of her body over them.  
  
She wasn't quite sure what to think... or whether she had the energy to even think at all. She felt drained. Like someone had sucked out her soul, and filled it with tears.  
  
How did he manage to make her feel so small, so unwanted.... And make her love him the whole time?  
  
Rage seemed to fill every particle of air around him lately. The air was brimming with anger and spite.  
  
She could understand it – almost. He hadn't been like that in the beginning. He hadn't been an angry, or jealous person. But then she's succeeded... and he was left behind, to help.. to watch.... But not to BE someone.  
  
Still, that didn't explain the way his surrounding atmosphere vibrated with fury and envy. She almost felt pity for him. Almost – but she was too angry, too devastated to feel anything for anyone but herself.  
  
And that thought just made her cry even harder. When had she become such a cold, closed off person? When did she become what she had despised not so long ago?  
  
Sitting on the cold marble shower floor, she pushed the long dirty brown strands of hair out of her face, and lifted her face up to the flow of now ice cold water, streaming down on her. Pity she didn't feel it. Maybe her veins were already to ice cold.  
  
It made her laugh. They called her an Ice Queen. Prim, proper, cold and untouchable. They never said it to her face – they wouldn't dare.... How did it happen...  
  
She hadn't always been that way. She knew that deep down. She'd once been carefree, happy, outgoing... radiant. Now all she radiated was fear and bitter iciness.  
  
And then, she was crying again, through gasps of hysterical laughter.  
  
--- Everytime I try to fly, I fall Without my wings, I feel so small I guess I need you, baby And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me I guess I need you, baby ---  
  
--- I make believe that you are here It's the only way I see clear What have I done You seem to move on easy ---  
  
As slowly as the water had run cold, it trickled to a halt. She lifted her head off her hands, with a vaguely confused expression on her tear stained face. The water had run out.  
  
Not quite sure what to do, she stepped out of the marble shower, and wrapped a large towel around herself. She moved slowly, shuffling with no destination in mind.  
  
She passed through the kitchen, stopping briefly, and wandered through the lounge, before stepping out onto the covered porch where the hot tub was.  
  
She let the towel fall from her body, to a crumpled pile on the floor, and stepped into the tub. She sunk down, so the water covered her up to her neck.  
  
The water was so warm. So relaxing.... She felt she could almost drift off to sleep. And if she was lucky, never wake up.  
  
As she listened to the rain pounding down on the porch roof, her mind drifted... but soon settled on him. It wasn't that she didn't love him... she loved him too much sometimes. Maybe she'd be better off without him. Maybe he'd be better off without her.  
  
--- I may have made it rain Please forgive me My weakness caused you pain And this song's my sorry ---  
  
--- At night I pray That soon your face will fade away ---  
  
What was the point... in the end, what did she matter? She'd been doing this for far too long. Surviving each day. What sort of life was that?  
  
As if it had been a thought lingering in the back of her mind for a long time, it drifted to the surface... it was time to stop being so selfish.  
  
She blindly reached over the edge of the tub for the knife she had picked up on the way past the kitchen. Tears blurred her vision... and she almost wasn't sure. But she had to. She knew that.  
  
The blade pricked the thin skin on her wrist, and a perfectly round drop of blood appeared on the pale white. And then it dropped into the water, slowly fading to pink... to nothing.  
  
Almost echoing the rain drops outside... drip drip drip... the blood feel into the tub.. into the water surrounding her. The blade sank in deeper, until the blood gushed out. She fumbled to swap the knife to the other hand.  
  
If she was going to do this, she'd have to do it properly. No half chances. She didn't want to wake up the next morning, locked up in some hospital wing.  
  
So she cut. Harder and faster than the first cut. And the blood tumbled out and mixed with the rest.  
  
And slowly, as the tub turned a pale pink... getting darker and darker, she began to feel funny..... like she was drifting on a cloud of ice. It was cold. So so cold. Hot tubs shouldn't be that cold.  
  
As she slipped against the edge of the tub, and drifted under the waterline, her last thought hung in the air above her..... I can't remember if I told him I loved him.....  
  
--- And everytime I try to fly, I fall Without my wings, I feel so small I guess I need you, baby And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, you're haunting me I guess I need you, baby ---  
  
A piece of paper fluttered from the kitchen bench to the floor and slid under the table........  
  
I may have made it rain, please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain, and this song's my sorry. I loved you till it hurt me Zack, and I'll love you until you die. What have I done? - Jondy 


End file.
